DREAMING IN COLOR

Welcome 01.01.2010 (learning from the past)

2010-01-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

It has been more than a year since my last entry. So many things have happened. My last entry came at a time when I was getting frustrated and tired with all our fertility treatments. It reached a point where I just wanted to stop trying and let nature take its course. I became cranky. I was an emotional mess inside. I knew that I didn't want to be that person.

In late 2008 we got pregnant (without the help of any drugs) after 2 failed IUIs. December 13, two days after confirming the pregnancy via hpt and ultrasound I started bleeding heavily. I didn't feel any physical pain but the hole that it left inside me felt so dark and bottomless. We lost our baby at about 5.5 weeks. Experiencing a miscarriage left us feeling emotionally drained. Until now not a lot of people know that we went through a miscarriage. The few people who knew tried to be supportive. However some were unsure of how to handle the situation, unsure of what to say. At times I just felt numb. Some comments were quite insensitive. Well at least that's how I perceived them to be. Most of the time it was just Alfred and I trying to comfort each other. When one was weak, the other one offered strength and stability. I will admit that I often found myself on the weak side. On March 4 I had to undergo a laparoscopic surgery to remove a cyst in my left ovary. The cyst had to be taken out before it ruptured and caused bigger problems. The size was somewhere between a golf ball and a tennis ball. My left ovary was saved and I healed fast. I still have the three small scars from the surgery but they are nothing compared to the gift that was about to be presented to us.

What followed the surgery was 5 months of rest, detox (I started practicing Bikram yoga), eating healthy and wholesome food, plus a list of countless good stuff you can give your mind and body as gifts. I also had very meaningful conversations with God. I told Him that I was ready to let him take over. I knew that he had a plan for us and I was ready to just follow.

I got my last period on August 7. That was it. The next month... Nothing. After a week of waiting Alfred and I bought two pregnancy test kits. Both were positive! We were jumping for joy! We felt so giddy when we saw our baby's heartbeat! Christmas came early for us in 2009 and we can't wait to meet our baby in May. I am now 5 months pregnant and loving every minute of it! In four months I will give birth to our son! It really is an exciting time for us. I've said this in the early weeks of my pregnancy, that all the drama from the last 3 years seem so far away now. You really just have to have faith. Just believe.

Today is the first day of 2010. I hope that you are spending it with your loved ones. Continue to pray, live and dream! Let us all welcome the new year with open arms!

Break Time

2008-11-05T16:46:00.000-08:00

I got my period a few days ago, a few weeks after our second IUI. So Alfred and I decided to take break for the last two months of the year. That means no meds, injections, and follicle monitoring for the last stretch of 2008. It's now time to take a break and just take care of Us. My body needs to rest too from all the medications. My hormones need to go on vacation too.

Our baby will come in God's perfect time.

Our Journey of Love

2008-10-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, October 19, exactly one month before our second wedding anniversary your Daddy and I went to see Dr. Aguilar for our second IUI procedure. I am writing this down so that you will know how much we wanted to have you in our lives. We prayed to God to bless us with the gift that is you. We already loved you even before you came into this world. We loved you right from the very beginning. Our love for you is that powerful, that strong.

We are in this journey together, our sweet child. God will guide us through all of life's challenges. He will shower us with his infinite blessings. We love you very very much. See you real soon.

Your father lovingly and bravely documented the whole procedure for us. He loves us very much!

I Don't Miss You: Does this make me a bad person?

2008-10-10T01:56:00.000-07:00

I DON'T MISS YOU. I woke up this morning with that thought in my head. Am I turning into an evil evil person? I turned to Alfred and told him how I was feeling. Somehow I had to tell somebody close to me just to double check that I'm not going insane or perhaps insensitive? Alfred just held me close and assured me that what I was feeling towards you was completely understandable.

I did try and I still am trying to win your approval. But I've been brushed aside so many times. So many times you turned your back and countless other times you just walked out. Unavailable. That was my term for you. You were simply unavailable. Are you still unavailable? I never thought that feeling this way was even possible. In a faraway place and in a forgotten time your eyes lit up whenever I entered the room. That memory is slowly fading. Can we ever go back? You know if we both want to we can.

Take the pain away

2008-09-10T00:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I got out of bed with a stabbing pain in my abdomen. So painful that it made me throw up. I had cold sweats all over. I was alone at home. I called several people but I couldn't reach any of them. Alfred was at the gym and he didn't bring any of his phones. I mustered all my energy to get up and heat myself some water for a hot compress. I even fell by the kitchen sink. It was that painful. I stormed the heavens to please take the pain away! Alfred came home in about an hour and helped me get some fluids and meds. Earlier, I called my doctor to update her. She advised me to take Ponstan. She said that the endometriosis is the one causing this pain.

I finally settled down and fell asleep under a bundle of blankets and a warm bottle close to my tummy. It's close to 4pm now and I'm feeling a bit better. Was able to get up and take a bath, made myself some food then washed the dishes. This pain happens every month so by now you'd think that I'm so used to it already. No!! This month is such a bitch. But I'm tired of lying down and resting! I'm going to my dad's house tonight to have dinner. Some company and comfort food might help.

Tomorrow is another day...

New Bitch on the Blog

2008-09-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

I got my period yesterday. Another false alarm. Another month of follicle monitoring, killer Clomid and Pregnyl shots. I've been undergoing treatment for about 9 months now. I'm done with the HSG (clear), but I have reservations about laparoscopy.

It really has taken its toll on me. The Clomid alone drives me up the wall! There are times when i spend the entire week crying. I get super irritated and emotional about the slightest comments about my condition. Sometimes I wonder how my husband can stand me.

Speaking of comments. Some people can just be so insensitive sometimes. Why do I always have to be nice and respectful? When what I really want to do is have a bitch fit and tell everybody to go f**k off. Oops, those are the hormones going wild! Seriously, people should know what to say to someone who is undergoing infertility treatments. Going through this is hard and it hits you on all levels. There are a million and one things going on in your body and in your mind. You try your best to stay centered. Then some insensitive comment hits you. Bam!!!! You feel like a house of cards crashing down down down. So what am I saying here? Just please be more sensitive. A simple "I'm always praying for you" is more than enough. Stop bombarding me with your questions, stop giving me "suggestions". Arghh! Just.stop.it.

Really, all that my body's going thru and the choices that I make are none of your business.

When I am left alone I am able to better manage the side effects of my meds. When I am left alone I am able to sit quietly and pray. I know its all about faith and that God will give our baby to us at the right time. So in the mean time, can the insensitives just learn to give me space? Really.

With You

2008-08-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

It's 3am. Alfred and I are still up. Just finished drafting documents for work and sending out e-mails to clients. So nice to be in bed, typing away on our own Macs, exchanging ideas and whatnots. Great team. Very cool. Ok bed time! Nite nite!

Here's a very serene image that Alfred took while in Thailand. I love its soft and quiet textures.

Image Alfredo Mendoza

Missing

2008-06-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

I miss my mom. It's been more than a year since I last saw her. Where could she be? Is she safe? So many questions run in my head, day in and day out. All I have now are memories etched in my heart. Memories from a time of simple joys and childhood innocence.

My Lolo Jessie

2008-04-21T04:24:00.000-07:00

Today my hero began a journey back to his Creator. Back to a place where there is no pain, no sorrow, no suffering. Lolo Jessie left this world today April 21, 2008 (3:20am) At 85 years old, my grandfather lived a full and adventurous life.
I grew up in his house. Lolo Jessie and Lola Cora took care of me like I was their own daughter. My parents were young medical students at that time and Lolo Jessie took care of our needs without asking for anything in return.My Lolo was our family's beacon and anchor.
A big part of who I am now I owe to Lolo Jessie and Lola Cora. The values that both of them have passed on to me are trully precious and can never be measured or quantified. They worked well together as a couple. Nevermind the usual "married life squabbles"(I know now that this is part of the package). I am now a wife and hopefully an expectant mom (working on a baby project) I always look back and think of their words and examples.
Lolo lived a very simple and quiet life. He would sacrifice anything and everything for his loved ones. Sometimes he would even leave nothing for himself. He took on every challenge with a steely and determined look on his face. I knew just by looking at him that he was already planning and plotting his next move in his mind. I consider myself very fortunate to have known such a man. He always had something very meaningful to impart. Of course he was a man of few words, but his words had weight and substance. Something very rare nowadays!
I will pass on so many important life lessons to my future children and grand children. I will always have memories of Lolo Jessie and how he faced life's greatest tests. I'm sure he's found Lola Cora again and they're probably sitting together, hand in hand, looking down and watching over us.

Thank you Lolo Jessie! See you again! Thank you for always being there during all my life's great and not so great moments. I will always be grateful to you! Please send our warm regards to Lola Cora!

Optimism

2008-02-23T01:12:00.000-08:00

When I feel down I pray to my God and reflect on the countless blessings that he has showered upon me. During trying times I find peace in knowing that I have strength and love coming from a being who is far greater than any of us.

The Optimist's Creed

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

Look at the sunny side of everything and make your
optimism come true.

Think only of the best,
work only for the best,
and expect only the best.

Forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

Give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.

Live in the faith that
the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true
to the best that is in you!"

- Christian D. Larson

Teachers

2008-02-18T04:50:00.001-08:00

"You, whose day it is, make it beautiful. Get out your rainbow colors, that it may be beautiful." -a Nekootsa Indian Poem

Some of my fondest childhood memories are those that revolve around school life. My teachers were my idols! Some were very strict and stern while others were so warm and carefree. Each of them helped in molding me to be a better student, a better human being.

But I know for a fact that being a teacher is not an easy feat. A teacher acts as a parent and role model. They are (in a very big way) responsible for the growth and development of each learner. I usually find myself thinking if my students actually learn something from me and my classes. I hope that they see art beyond the canvas and the color wheel. Having been given the opportunity to teach and work with young children is a great privilege. Truly a great gift!

I work with such dedicated and selfless teachers. They always go above and beyond their call of duty. Each day I learn something new from them. Each lesson I try to carry over and apply in my daily life.

I constantly need to remind myself that learning is an ongoing process. I am very lucky to be surrounded by such passionate, dedicated, patient and hardworking teachers.

Thank you for making my stay a memorable one.

* photos taken at Gerry's Grill, Libis QC, during Teachers' Day celebration

I am a work in progress

2008-02-12T04:12:00.001-08:00

positive thinking, honesty, and acceptance are bundled together in the healing process. There are good days and yes there are off days. But everyday I do my best to see the good and strike out the negative. I don't always succeed. You see, all of us are works in progress.
This blog is my space to write about my thoughts and emotions without being judged and ridiculed.

lazy days

2008-02-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

...Sometimes I just want to laze around and take it slow. I wish to enjoy more brunches and more quiet time with my baby.

One favorite place to take long meals is Kozui, along Tomas Morato, QC. Yummy Japanese food and cozy interiors. Plus the tea selection is just super!! My personal favorite is Genmai-Cha (green tea with roasted rice).

p.s. I gave up coffee about 3 weeks ago.

2008: reload

2008-02-06T06:06:00.002-08:00

I've been doodling and painting again. I'm very excited to have this renewed feeling to just create and express. I will add updates real soon. Very exciting stuff for 2008!

Wanted: Childlike Wonder

2008-01-29T03:35:00.001-08:00

Working with children has given me so much fulfillment. At the end of the day I feel like I learn more from them compared to how much they learn from me. Being an art educator to young children is not an easy job as other grownups might want to think. Being a teacher means that you are in one way or another responsible for molding these young hearts and minds.

From the very beginning my goal was to help my students discover their inner artist. I wanted them to be able to use art as a tool to express their ideas, their thoughts and feelings about the world around them and about themselves. By making them feel that they have a voice and that what they have to say is important (without hurting other people along the way of course) were on top of my list. My role as Teacher Pia is about to end. I've decided to take on other challenges and other roles. But that doesn't mean that the learning has stopped. My students and I are enjoying our last month and a half together working on their final paintings. I beam with pride when I see these children walk and talk with such confidence knowing that they have creative power.

The art studio is a mess! It's bursting with artists' canvas, and various projects. But amidst the chaos is a feeling that I have spent the last two years with such great human beings with big hearts and sun-shiny smiles. I've had plenty insightful conversations with my young artists. The topics range from doing well in school, following your parents' advise, making and keeping friends, resolving arguments, how to mix just the right pink, just the right purple, how many kinds of colors are there really, is black a color, how about white, why did Van Gogh cut his ear off... the list is indeed very long.

Just this afternoon during clean up time one of my students asked me why the clouds above our school still look white. She asked me this as we were taking out cups of water that we used for painting. I asked her what she meant and her reply was

..."we paint so much right? Then how come the clouds don't absorb all the color from the water as it evaporates? That would be so cool, to have painted clouds."

What if we had painterly clouds? Exciting, isn't it? Oh what I would give to be a kid again!! To think that way and not be ashamed to ask questions means that she was not afraid of being judged, not afraid of being wrong. Asking what if questions is something adults don't do anymore. Is it because we're too busy? We see things as they are. No questions required.

This quick chitchat immediately brought me back to the time when I was about 4 years old. It was summer and I was going to accompany my parents to the province where they needed to fulfill their rural duties (during the time of President Marcos new doctors were required to give their services to rural communities before they can practice fulltime in the big city. It was going to be my first plane ride (and the first for my dad too)! Everyone in the family kept on talking about our trip, how long we'll be away, if the municipality where we were staying was safe especially for a couple with a young rascal in tow. On and on the grown ups planned and arranged the details of our trip. I on the other hand was hatching my grand plan. I was going to bring a jar with me on the plane. Then when we soar as high as the clouds and as we enter the clouds I will slowly open the window and scoop some clouds into my jar. I was giddy with excitement! I knew for a fact that planes go inside clouds beacause I would carefully observe planes as they pass above our house. This was my chance to own clouds. I didn't want a lot. I just wanted enough to fill the empty mayonnaise jar that I was going to bring. I didn't tell anybody about my plan but I had everything ready days before our trip. I was already imagining my fluffy and cottony clouds. I even knew that I had to "feed" it with water (you know, like rain).

I couldn't keep it any longer. The excitement was too much already that I had to tell someone. I went to my aunts and told them about it. They patted me on my head saying "sure, ok!" Why weren't they excited? Didn't they ever want to have their own clouds? I ran to my mom and told her my dream and my plan of action. She smiled and carefully explained to me that Philippine Airlines will not allow me to go on with my plan because the doors and windows of the airplane cannot and should not be opened during a flight. If that happens the airplane will not work properly according to her.
Ok, ok of course I felt sad, crestfallen! I was hatching this plan for weeks! Arghh. So I settled for keeping my eyes glued to the window and when our plane entered the clouds I was at the edge of my seat recording every single moment. I was not able to nap during the flight because I didn't want to miss the clouds.Now that I'm all grown up, whenever I get to ride an airplane I still make it a habit to look out the window and imagine how it would feel like to reach out and scoop a piece of fluffy cloud.

Lately I've been missing that giddy feeling. But after the cloud conversation this afternoon I'm sure that things will be quite different for Teacher Pia.

May all of us have a great 2008! And to my students, always remember to follow your bliss! Thanks for reminding me to do just that.
And yes it would be so cool to have colorful and painterly clouds to hover above us.

Thank You For Your Prayers

2007-10-05T19:19:00.001-07:00

I didn't add this to my online journal until I found out the biopsy results. I also didn't have time to let some of you know because of the fast pace of events that took place. But I am well and very thankful to God for allowing me to enjoy more sunshines with all of you!

Last September 28, I had to undergo surgical biopsy. You see, I've been monitoring and doing self breast exams for about 4 years now. On my latest breast ultrasound, the doctors found multiple lesions on both breasts. One of the solid nodules on my right breast was pinpointed as a candidate for biopsy because of its irregular shape. It was a bit scary because we didn't know what to expect in the beginning. Alfred and I called my dad first. I told him about the findings, he kept his cool but I heard a worried tone in his voice when I was telling him the details of my sonomammogram. During that phone conversation he was more of a dad, not a topnotch physician. My dad's a urosurgeon, because my condition is not his line of expertise he immediately hooked me up with his colleague, Dr.Michael Liquete. After several consultations + numerous discussions with the doctors I decided to have the mass removed. Better to know what it is rather than not knowing and having this nagging feeling inside me. We have a family history of breast CA. I have an aunt and a grandmother who both have DCIS. According to my research, having a family history ups ones chances of having cancer by 40%. This made me even more determined to have the biopsy done. The physical scars don't really matter to me. A week before the procedure I was lined up for a breast mammogram to get a clearer picture of the growths. Let me just say that it was very uncomfortable! (at least I don't have to do that again till I reach 35)

Last friday morning right before the procedure, the doctors had a mini conference and decided to remove 2 more growths on the same breast (w/c are both more than 2cm). They discussed it with me and I agreed to it after they answered my 1 million questions. The surgery went very well. I was really happy to have Alfred and my dad at my side during that day. My doctors, Dr. Liquete, Dr, Banaag, Dr. Uy, and the nurses at the NKTI took really good care of me. They had to make me sleep during the procedure (what a trip!). That was my first time to be operated on and confined in a hospital! But I felt very relaxed before the procedure, achy-loopy-drowsy-but hungry afterwards. For those who were able to visit me while I was confined- grazie mille! Thank you for all the comfort food. I still have some left in my loot bag. My brothers made me laugh hard during their visit (Ahehehe. Somebody's picture in Gin's phone).
Now I'm healing quite well. Although I haven't been allowed by Alfred to drive or carry heavy stuff just yet. We got the biopsy results yesterday! All 3 growths are BENIGN no malignancy detected. What I have is fibroadenoma. We felt a heavy and dark cloud was just lifted from above us. Somebody up there is definitely watching over me! Now I have to be diligent in monitoring. Every 3-4 mos breast ultrasound is recommended. Thank you so much for all your prayers! You guys really made me feel LOVED.

I went back to work last week. Although I still feel some throbbing pain once in a while (like when I get tired, or when my students get a bit testy and I have to make my voice loud and firm). I received beautiful handmade cards from the grade 1A class, flowers and lots of hugs and well wishes from my colleagues and students.

Holy Swap! Gimme Your Stuff!

2007-10-01T07:23:00.001-07:00

I found Gimme Your Stuff while blog hopping this evening. You see, I don't get to spend a lot of time in front of the computer but I've been under "house arrest" since Saturday. I had to undergo a minor surgery last Friday, September 28 (more on this later).
I got super excited when I started exploring their site. What fun! The idea of exchanging stuff with people from other countries! Such glee! So I said to myself "How does this work?" Ok, so I buckled down, created my blog... Here goes!

I'm a visual artist/art educator based in Manila. I married my super best friend, Alfred. He's a professional photographer. We live in our cozy apartment with our dogs- Max "The Chow" and Vinci "The Beagle". I love art,design,fashion, travelling, books, cooking, crafts, and shopping! I guess I'm a girly girl with a dash of Martha Stewart, a pinch of Nicole Kidman, plus a hint of Frida Kahlo. Complicated? A bit, yes but still fun.

So Gimme Your Stuff! Swap with me. I would love love love to receive clothing, fabric, buttons, accessories, vintage postcards, stamps, naive and found objects, artist trading cards (ATCs), food stuff, maps from your country, photos, trinkets that I can use for my artworks.

Just let me know what you might be interested in. I live in beautiful and sunny Philippines which is composed of more than 7,000 islands. Our culture is very rich and diverse. We're also a very artistic and fun loving bunch. As long as it's not illegal, I'll try to get the stuff ready for swapping. Leave a comment or send me an e-mail? I'll be waiting!

I can't tell you how excited I am to start this great adventure.

Trade Policy: Please be honest and be fair - I will recommend you if you make the trade smooth sailing and relatively headache free. But if not... I will warn other traders not to swap with you. So please, just be fair. Have fun swapping!