Welcome 01.01.2010 (learning from the past)

It has been more than a year since my last entry. So many things have happened. My last entry came at a time when I was getting frustrated and tired with all our fertility treatments. It reached a point where I just wanted to stop trying and let nature take its course. I became cranky. I was an emotional mess inside. I knew that I didn't want to be that person.

In late 2008 we got pregnant (without the help of any drugs) after 2 failed IUIs. December 13, two days after confirming the pregnancy via hpt and ultrasound I started bleeding heavily. I didn't feel any physical pain but the hole that it left inside me felt so dark and bottomless. We lost our baby at about 5.5 weeks. Experiencing a miscarriage left us feeling emotionally drained. Until now not a lot of people know that we went through a miscarriage. The few people who knew tried to be supportive. However some were unsure of how to handle the situation, unsure of what to say. At times I just felt numb. Some comments were quite insensitive. Well at least that's how I perceived them to be. Most of the time it was just Alfred and I trying to comfort each other. When one was weak, the other one offered strength and stability. I will admit that I often found myself on the weak side. On March 4 I had to undergo a laparoscopic surgery to remove a cyst in my left ovary. The cyst had to be taken out before it ruptured and caused bigger problems. The size was somewhere between a golf ball and a tennis ball. My left ovary was saved and I healed fast. I still have the three small scars from the surgery but they are nothing compared to the gift that was about to be presented to us.

What followed the surgery was 5 months of rest, detox (I started practicing Bikram yoga), eating healthy and wholesome food, plus a list of countless good stuff you can give your mind and body as gifts. I also had very meaningful conversations with God. I told Him that I was ready to let him take over. I knew that he had a plan for us and I was ready to just follow.

I got my last period on August 7. That was it. The next month... Nothing. After a week of waiting Alfred and I bought two pregnancy test kits. Both were positive! We were jumping for joy! We felt so giddy when we saw our baby's heartbeat! Christmas came early for us in 2009 and we can't wait to meet our baby in May. I am now 5 months pregnant and loving every minute of it! In four months I will give birth to our son! It really is an exciting time for us. I've said this in the early weeks of my pregnancy, that all the drama from the last 3 years seem so far away now. You really just have to have faith. Just believe.

Today is the first day of 2010. I hope that you are spending it with your loved ones. Continue to pray, live and dream! Let us all welcome the new year with open arms!

Break Time

I got my period a few days ago, a few weeks after our second IUI. So Alfred and I decided to take break for the last two months of the year. That means no meds, injections, and follicle monitoring for the last stretch of 2008. It's now time to take a break and just take care of Us. My body needs to rest too from all the medications. My hormones need to go on vacation too.

Our baby will come in God's perfect time.

Our Journey of Love

Last Sunday, October 19, exactly one month before our second wedding anniversary your Daddy and I went to see Dr. Aguilar for our second IUI procedure. I am writing this down so that you will know how much we wanted to have you in our lives. We prayed to God to bless us with the gift that is you. We already loved you even before you came into this world. We loved you right from the very beginning. Our love for you is that powerful, that strong.

We are in this journey together, our sweet child. God will guide us through all of life's challenges. He will shower us with his infinite blessings. We love you very very much. See you real soon.










Your father lovingly and bravely documented the whole procedure for us. He loves us very much!

I Don't Miss You: Does this make me a bad person?

I DON'T MISS YOU. I woke up this morning with that thought in my head. Am I turning into an evil evil person? I turned to Alfred and told him how I was feeling. Somehow I had to tell somebody close to me just to double check that I'm not going insane or perhaps insensitive? Alfred just held me close and assured me that what I was feeling towards you was completely understandable.

I did try and I still am trying to win your approval. But I've been brushed aside so many times. So many times you turned your back and countless other times you just walked out. Unavailable. That was my term for you. You were simply unavailable. Are you still unavailable? I never thought that feeling this way was even possible. In a faraway place and in a forgotten time your eyes lit up whenever I entered the room. That memory is slowly fading. Can we ever go back? You know if we both want to we can.

Take the pain away

This morning I got out of bed with a stabbing pain in my abdomen. So painful that it made me throw up. I had cold sweats all over. I was alone at home. I called several people but I couldn't reach any of them. Alfred was at the gym and he didn't bring any of his phones. I mustered all my energy to get up and heat myself some water for a hot compress. I even fell by the kitchen sink. It was that painful. I stormed the heavens to please take the pain away! Alfred came home in about an hour and helped me get some fluids and meds. Earlier, I called my doctor to update her. She advised me to take Ponstan. She said that the endometriosis is the one causing this pain.

I finally settled down and fell asleep under a bundle of blankets and a warm bottle close to my tummy. It's close to 4pm now and I'm feeling a bit better. Was able to get up and take a bath, made myself some food then washed the dishes. This pain happens every month so by now you'd think that I'm so used to it already. No!! This month is such a bitch. But I'm tired of lying down and resting! I'm going to my dad's house tonight to have dinner. Some company and comfort food might help.

Tomorrow is another day...

New Bitch on the Blog

I got my period yesterday. Another false alarm. Another month of follicle monitoring, killer Clomid and Pregnyl shots. I've been undergoing treatment for about 9 months now. I'm done with the HSG (clear), but I have reservations about laparoscopy.

It really has taken its toll on me. The Clomid alone drives me up the wall! There are times when i spend the entire week crying. I get super irritated and emotional about the slightest comments about my condition. Sometimes I wonder how my husband can stand me.

Speaking of comments. Some people can just be so insensitive sometimes. Why do I always have to be nice and respectful? When what I really want to do is have a bitch fit and tell everybody to go f**k off. Oops, those are the hormones going wild! Seriously, people should know what to say to someone who is undergoing infertility treatments. Going through this is hard and it hits you on all levels. There are a million and one things going on in your body and in your mind. You try your best to stay centered. Then some insensitive comment hits you. Bam!!!! You feel like a house of cards crashing down down down. So what am I saying here? Just please be more sensitive. A simple "I'm always praying for you" is more than enough. Stop bombarding me with your questions, stop giving me "suggestions". Arghh! Just.stop.it.

Really, all that my body's going thru and the choices that I make are none of your business.

When I am left alone I am able to better manage the side effects of my meds. When I am left alone I am able to sit quietly and pray. I know its all about faith and that God will give our baby to us at the right time. So in the mean time, can the insensitives just learn to give me space? Really.

With You

It's 3am. Alfred and I are still up. Just finished drafting documents for work and sending out e-mails to clients. So nice to be in bed, typing away on our own Macs, exchanging ideas and whatnots. Great team. Very cool. Ok bed time! Nite nite!






Here's a very serene image that Alfred took while in Thailand. I love its soft and quiet textures.

Image Alfredo Mendoza

Missing

I miss my mom. It's been more than a year since I last saw her. Where could she be? Is she safe? So many questions run in my head, day in and day out. All I have now are memories etched in my heart. Memories from a time of simple joys and childhood innocence.